me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn