My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.