Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
the red hot silly peppers