Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.