I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
describing stardew valley
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
That’s amazing.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩