“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”