Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!