I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?