Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911