Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends