I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.