What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Science memes
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market