They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”