Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
You Might Also Like
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
mom had nothing to worry about
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….