Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Watermelon Boss!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.