Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Lube but for my dry humor.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.