Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
You Might Also Like
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day