Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Duolingo getting serious.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’