Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?