Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
2022 be like
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Milk Cube
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”