some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.