The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.