Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?