“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive