I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Bill is short for Billiam
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
2022 will be better than 2021
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like