What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
thinking about a very short hotdog
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
White Castle for the Win
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS