I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Venn
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.