My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Geez man, take it easy.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor