For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Haha! 😂
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty