Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Perfect.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.