Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“OMGJK” -atheists
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”