Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
You Might Also Like
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.