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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?