if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
You Might Also Like
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.