Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.