Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”