Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You Might Also Like
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.