I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
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*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’m not proud
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.