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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?