accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
remember
only for emergencies
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Best table by far
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”