They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING