ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”