A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.