I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema