Moms. The original autocorrect.
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me logging onto twitter
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.