My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
How it started: How it’s going:
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
don’t be scared
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.