The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
You Might Also Like
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me adding lol on a serious message
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no