It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m good, thanks.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
definitely did not do anything wrong
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’d love this…lol
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?