We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
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My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
this FaceApp is creepy af
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*