I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Never ghost your hitman.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.